VICTORY!

98-70 Tigers

Hilltopers lose.

Oh STOP IT, Cheryl! You're right, though, I'm so lucky to have George. He's so handsome and charming and dashing and ugh, I don't know where to stop! I remember when we met at TT College in Cleveland. I was just a lowly Ceramics major (who knew how to party!), and George was practically king of the campus with his major in Acting and Minor in Musical Theater (he wrote his TT Thesis on Andrew Lloyd Webber--a genius). We met at a party and I was so intimidated to talk to him. He was wearing a denim jacket and a Heart t-shirt--he was so cool. But boy did we ever hit it off. When we started dating, I knew that he was the man I would marry...despite his bedroom "issues" (George had a very difficult child-hood.).

Our marriage was like a whirlwind adventure--before I knew it we had had Joe, Michael, Jordan, and Kevy. Don't you talk to ME about barren ladyparts, missy, until you've squeezed for of them out. Anyway, George is a wonderful father, and so creative! Once a year we have Imagination Christmas because, as George puts it, "Who can wait for Santa when he only comes once a year?!" And every other week we all play family dress-up (Georgie's idea, of course). Last week, we all dressed up like movie stars from the forties. Oh you should've seen, Kevy, Cheryl, he was so cute as a tiny Vivian Leigh. Now I was a bit cautious about dressing him up like a woman, but George said it was fine, and you know George when he puts his foot down...Oh my. It's scary.

Yeah, George is great. What? Jimmy's parents are separating? That's horrible. I wonder if Mr. Matthews has any secret babies. They're so common these days. What's happening to marriage in this country? Speaking of this country....you support Hillary? Oh Cheryl, what are you doing? She's such a goblin. Have you given up on hope? And change? What about change, Cheryl? You're better than that, baby.

You're right, by the way. This society has such a way of making people feel OLD. My Joey came home (I think it was from your house, actually), and he looked tired--his eyes were very red, and he called me a "trick." What does that mean? Whatever it means, it sure is playful.

Huh? OH MY GOD! WILDCATS WIN! WILDCATS WIN! That is so wonderful. And we've sold 20 raffle tickets! I think we can call this night a success, Cher. What? Oh hahaha. A nightclub, that's rich! Very funny, silly girl. No, I think George and I are going to put the kids to bed and cuddle up with some Sondheim. I'll see you next week, k?

You stop that silly talk, Corinne!

You are beautiful just the way God made you: a gorgeous, fertile, mass of womanhood. You're probably the feistiest woman George ever set his eyes on. I've never seen him even look at a woman with lust. The other night, when he had that slim apron on, slurping down those noodles to see if they were cooked, and he grabbed you with those matching cartoon crab oven mitts (I love those by the way), and he gave you that huge smack on the lips. Wowzza! I know what I saw, YOUNG LADY! A whole lot of tonguing-!

Oh, hello again, Jimmy! You need another soda already? Cor was just making a big Hoonany about her privates in life, errr...yeah, WHATEVER! Our crazy lives! Enjoy the game. See you soon!

Cor, Jimmy's Dad is getting a divorce. They're already separated, even. Now there's a whole lot of man to shove between your love cushions. The second he said it I felt terrible, but
I jumped to the thought that my little change of life has some benefits! I mean, I wouldn't have to worry about hiding any (what do you call them?) love children or "secret babies" or anything. This box of mine is as barren as the Arctic Tundra! This must be what Horatio feels like when he's a "bottom." No worries! Ugghh! What I wouldn't do for a delicious man like Mr. Matthews for a night. I know, I know. I feel as guilty as the time I gave Black/Latino Comedies a one-star rating on my Netflix account. Thank God Hilary is running for President and not me. On paper, I probably sound like a middle-aged twit who hates the Afro-American community and loves the Gays. Don't get me wrong, I'd vote for Barack in a heartbeat, but I think he's too inexperienced, and Hilary has done so much to break down those glass walls for women so we could get more different jobs...

Anyway, everyone probably knows I'm a little on the dry side when it comes to baby-making at this stage in life. I'm not ashamed. Frankie is being very supportive. And he'd better be. I'd rip his annoying little nose off and feed it to the CAT! Haha! Oh, justing JK-ing.

So, don't talk to me about OLD, missy! You don't know the half of it yet! Wait until your hen house runs out of eggs and then tell me about body issues! It's not just my body though. I feel, um, intellectually that I'm sliding. My Donny comes home everyday One Book Better than his mother. He can hardly even listen to one show I watch without scoffing! That's the mark of a true genius, I think: being so smart that you can't be happy watching TV, you know? Their brains are already churning so fast. I wish I knew how he can study so hard and still manage to be out of the house for hours every night. I tell you! The way my Donny teaches me. For instance: Did you know "disapparate" is not a real word? JK Rowling just MADE IT UP! I'm not sure if I'm OK with someone just making up words. It's seems a little silly. But how did my Donny know? Brilliant.

The game looks like it's wrapping up. Where are you off to after this? A nightclub, you sassy fox?

Oh thanks, Cheryl, you're very sweet. I'm fine, but I gotta say that my fajita came with extra cheese tonight. WOOOwee!

What's this I see? Were we just having a conversation with Jimmy just now? How'd it go? Tell me everything, you cougar, you, and I promise I won't tell Frankie. Details, hon!

Anyway, can I ask you a question, Cheryl, dear? I'm feeling pretty tight around the seat recently, and I just want to know? Am I getting fat? It's that I feel like a walking cow. I know it's silly, but sometimes I don't think George wants to...you know...my vagina. I don't want to become one of those fat housewives who only goes out to feed her stupid, fat face. You know? I mean if you had told me when I was in college that I would be like this, I would've told you that you're CRAZY! Then I would ask if you wanted to go streaking on the quad (not that we had a quad, but you know, it was the 70s!). I just feel old. Old, old, OLD!

Wait, you're having hot flashes? Little early, isn't Cheryl. I mean, does Frank know?

Cor, you go! Oooowee! It burns just to think-

Oh hi there, Jimmy!

Are you going to buy some raffle tickets or just a little snacky-snack? Oh, a Snickers? Mmmm, I wish there were more nuts in these. I'm partial to Playdates, err, PAYDAYS! Hahah! You want something to wash that down. A soda pop? Oh, A Dr. Pepper? Wow, it's been at yeast a year since I had one of these. There you go Jimmy.

We were talking about our garages, Cor and I! Do you guys have one? Of course you do, you're Dad's a doctor (I just don't want to assume too much because a lot of kids here have the Financial Aids). Anyway, my garage seems to get wider every year! I swear, I can’t even tell you how many cars have squeezed into that dirty little spot of mine! I feel like I'm the only one paying attention to it! I've never seen Mr. Beatty (my husband) help clean it! He hardly goes in it, period! We moved so we could get rid of all that baggage, but instead I just keep feeling like I have to stretch that little backyard addition everyday! And when Donny was born (naturally, god bless my midwife), the garage had to be altered so much it was like they replaced it with one three times as wide! Uggh! The things we do to fit everybody in!

Well, listen to me babble! Here's your change- What? Your Mom and Dad are getting a divorce? Oh. He lives in an apartment now. Hardly a garage at all...I'm sure someone will- I see. Well, I'm so sorry. Enjoy the rest of the game...Bye, bye now.

Corinne, you OK sweetie? I was getting a hot flash just now as you walked up here. How was the bathroom? Do you need anything? I think I might have some Monistat in my bag...

Cher,

Men. Do I need to say anything else? The writers of the bible got everything wrong: WOMAN will inherit the earth. Men are silly, sly, grumbly, hairy gorillas (except for African-Americans, of course, that's hurtful)! But by gum, I love 'em! They're always goofing around. It's SOOO funny that you'd talk about little Donny and his friends. That happens with my eldest Joe (Wildcats #14!), and also I see him shivering and shaking and scratching all the time! I tell him, "You can spend all day in the garage, if you want, but at LEAST put on a sweater if you're cold, and if you've got a little itch, get the calamine lotion, doofus!" He likes playing video games too. I swear, it sounds like the garage is exploding!

Anyway, you're right, I do need to talk to Horatio about books. But, I don't want to read that "Five People You Meet in Heaven," sounds scary. Also, forget "The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Nightime"--it sounds a little "silly." Has Jane Smiley written anything new? She is delicious.

OH! Here comes that Jimmy Matthews! He is the forward the Ignie Tigers have been waiting for. I hear his dad is a DOCTOR in Columbus...a handsome doctor. (You can see where he gets it, SHH). OH my, excuse me Cheryl, I have to use the little girls room. I have a yeast infection.