You stop that silly talk, Corinne!

You are beautiful just the way God made you: a gorgeous, fertile, mass of womanhood. You're probably the feistiest woman George ever set his eyes on. I've never seen him even look at a woman with lust. The other night, when he had that slim apron on, slurping down those noodles to see if they were cooked, and he grabbed you with those matching cartoon crab oven mitts (I love those by the way), and he gave you that huge smack on the lips. Wowzza! I know what I saw, YOUNG LADY! A whole lot of tonguing-!

Oh, hello again, Jimmy! You need another soda already? Cor was just making a big Hoonany about her privates in life, errr...yeah, WHATEVER! Our crazy lives! Enjoy the game. See you soon!

Cor, Jimmy's Dad is getting a divorce. They're already separated, even. Now there's a whole lot of man to shove between your love cushions. The second he said it I felt terrible, but
I jumped to the thought that my little change of life has some benefits! I mean, I wouldn't have to worry about hiding any (what do you call them?) love children or "secret babies" or anything. This box of mine is as barren as the Arctic Tundra! This must be what Horatio feels like when he's a "bottom." No worries! Ugghh! What I wouldn't do for a delicious man like Mr. Matthews for a night. I know, I know. I feel as guilty as the time I gave Black/Latino Comedies a one-star rating on my Netflix account. Thank God Hilary is running for President and not me. On paper, I probably sound like a middle-aged twit who hates the Afro-American community and loves the Gays. Don't get me wrong, I'd vote for Barack in a heartbeat, but I think he's too inexperienced, and Hilary has done so much to break down those glass walls for women so we could get more different jobs...

Anyway, everyone probably knows I'm a little on the dry side when it comes to baby-making at this stage in life. I'm not ashamed. Frankie is being very supportive. And he'd better be. I'd rip his annoying little nose off and feed it to the CAT! Haha! Oh, justing JK-ing.

So, don't talk to me about OLD, missy! You don't know the half of it yet! Wait until your hen house runs out of eggs and then tell me about body issues! It's not just my body though. I feel, um, intellectually that I'm sliding. My Donny comes home everyday One Book Better than his mother. He can hardly even listen to one show I watch without scoffing! That's the mark of a true genius, I think: being so smart that you can't be happy watching TV, you know? Their brains are already churning so fast. I wish I knew how he can study so hard and still manage to be out of the house for hours every night. I tell you! The way my Donny teaches me. For instance: Did you know "disapparate" is not a real word? JK Rowling just MADE IT UP! I'm not sure if I'm OK with someone just making up words. It's seems a little silly. But how did my Donny know? Brilliant.

The game looks like it's wrapping up. Where are you off to after this? A nightclub, you sassy fox?

Oh thanks, Cheryl, you're very sweet. I'm fine, but I gotta say that my fajita came with extra cheese tonight. WOOOwee!

What's this I see? Were we just having a conversation with Jimmy just now? How'd it go? Tell me everything, you cougar, you, and I promise I won't tell Frankie. Details, hon!

Anyway, can I ask you a question, Cheryl, dear? I'm feeling pretty tight around the seat recently, and I just want to know? Am I getting fat? It's that I feel like a walking cow. I know it's silly, but sometimes I don't think George wants to...you know...my vagina. I don't want to become one of those fat housewives who only goes out to feed her stupid, fat face. You know? I mean if you had told me when I was in college that I would be like this, I would've told you that you're CRAZY! Then I would ask if you wanted to go streaking on the quad (not that we had a quad, but you know, it was the 70s!). I just feel old. Old, old, OLD!

Wait, you're having hot flashes? Little early, isn't Cheryl. I mean, does Frank know?

Cor, you go! Oooowee! It burns just to think-

Oh hi there, Jimmy!

Are you going to buy some raffle tickets or just a little snacky-snack? Oh, a Snickers? Mmmm, I wish there were more nuts in these. I'm partial to Playdates, err, PAYDAYS! Hahah! You want something to wash that down. A soda pop? Oh, A Dr. Pepper? Wow, it's been at yeast a year since I had one of these. There you go Jimmy.

We were talking about our garages, Cor and I! Do you guys have one? Of course you do, you're Dad's a doctor (I just don't want to assume too much because a lot of kids here have the Financial Aids). Anyway, my garage seems to get wider every year! I swear, I can’t even tell you how many cars have squeezed into that dirty little spot of mine! I feel like I'm the only one paying attention to it! I've never seen Mr. Beatty (my husband) help clean it! He hardly goes in it, period! We moved so we could get rid of all that baggage, but instead I just keep feeling like I have to stretch that little backyard addition everyday! And when Donny was born (naturally, god bless my midwife), the garage had to be altered so much it was like they replaced it with one three times as wide! Uggh! The things we do to fit everybody in!

Well, listen to me babble! Here's your change- What? Your Mom and Dad are getting a divorce? Oh. He lives in an apartment now. Hardly a garage at all...I'm sure someone will- I see. Well, I'm so sorry. Enjoy the rest of the game...Bye, bye now.

Corinne, you OK sweetie? I was getting a hot flash just now as you walked up here. How was the bathroom? Do you need anything? I think I might have some Monistat in my bag...

Cher,

Men. Do I need to say anything else? The writers of the bible got everything wrong: WOMAN will inherit the earth. Men are silly, sly, grumbly, hairy gorillas (except for African-Americans, of course, that's hurtful)! But by gum, I love 'em! They're always goofing around. It's SOOO funny that you'd talk about little Donny and his friends. That happens with my eldest Joe (Wildcats #14!), and also I see him shivering and shaking and scratching all the time! I tell him, "You can spend all day in the garage, if you want, but at LEAST put on a sweater if you're cold, and if you've got a little itch, get the calamine lotion, doofus!" He likes playing video games too. I swear, it sounds like the garage is exploding!

Anyway, you're right, I do need to talk to Horatio about books. But, I don't want to read that "Five People You Meet in Heaven," sounds scary. Also, forget "The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Nightime"--it sounds a little "silly." Has Jane Smiley written anything new? She is delicious.

OH! Here comes that Jimmy Matthews! He is the forward the Ignie Tigers have been waiting for. I hear his dad is a DOCTOR in Columbus...a handsome doctor. (You can see where he gets it, SHH). OH my, excuse me Cheryl, I have to use the little girls room. I have a yeast infection.

Thank you for noticing my hair! That's why you're the best. Horatio's the only man who knows how to trim this bush on top of my head. I swear, I went in so frazzled it was like I'd been sleeping inside a Dutch Oven!

When I came home after an hour of Horatio's finger magic, I didn't think anyone had noticed the work he did. I think it looks wonderful, but Frankie just kissed me hello and didn't say a word. I almost slapped him upside the noggin! My little Donny boy though, he noticed. But I could tell he was too embarrassed to say anything because his little friends were over. They always look so red in the face when I come in the room, it's like they can hardly move their eyes, they're so focused on that TV! I don't know what to say, so I just make cookies and leave them to their Nintendo.

Anyway, Horatio is a riot! He is always giving me books so we have something to talk about the next time I come in (because once it got really awkward when he brought up his boyfriend and I couldn't just let it slide. I'm so curious about that lifestyle, not that I condone it necessarily. Anywhoo, you know). Last time he gave me The Notebook (what a sweetie-pie. And he understands so many of those intricate details of the relationships! I mean, the stuff he came up with! It's a shame he'll have to become a priest someday), but this week he gave me Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, and let me tell you it is dark. I mean DARK. I'm not finished with it yet, but everyone in the book is dead already or talking about these tragedies, like this blue guy at a carnival. I'll give it to you when I'm done. Horatio promised a satisfying ending.

It's better than what they have Donny reading: that Catcher in the Rye business! Why are they always depressing kids with these books. I got to page 50 and was so offended I put it down! And you know how good I am about finishing novels. Really, I just can't see why anyone would be interested in silly sad people. If the kids need to read something sad in class, they should read Man's Search for Meaning. You know, the one about the Holocaust. Now that's a subject that our kids don't know enough about, and I think it's about time we assigned them more books about a tragedy like that: one that actually affects them.

By the way! Getting your carpet steamed is one of the worst days of the year! I feel for you. I'm always going around the house, picking up clothes and telling my husband and Donny to please help me sweep, but Donny's so snippy: "Why? It's the carpet cleaner's job." Sometimes, it's like they can't even hear me. It's like when the maids come to the house, and I have a very strict policy on cleaning up before they come, and both men of the house are like " why clean before the cleaners?" And I have to explain every time: "it's what I do!" You just can't get it through to them. You know?

You should see Horatio sometime! It would wonders!

Sitting begins? I haven't got up!

Cheryl,

George and I are so glad that you and Frankie came by last night. It was a gas! When Frankie did that impression of that Keenan Williams from Saturday Night, I swear I almost peed all over the carpet (and we just got it steamed!)!! I'm glad the spaghetti turned out the way it did, by the way, I spent over an hour making it, and the whole time, my youngest, Kevy, wouldn't stop badgering me ("Mommy, why can't I kiss you on the lips?" What an angel). Speaking of pumping you for information, I wish I could find out how Horatio made your hair look so good! Did he use that blow-dry thingamajig? I tell you, he could blow me any day of the week and I'd pay him anything! :)

Good news!

I got the new tickets in! The order came in from eBay and the tickets are FABULOUS. They're blue and I got the Ignie tiger printed on them. I can't wait for the kids to see them at the game this Saturday. When are we going to meet up and DISH already?

The Sitting Begins...

Corinne! I had a lovely time with you and George last night at dinner! Nothing like some spaghetti marinara to get my mouth just jabberin' away! I mean, a bowl full of soft and warm noodles and a half glass of that dry chardonnay from Oregon! Ooooweee! That's the little known secret for how to pump me for information, Mr. Bond! And spicy too! Your George sure knows how to get a party started. I had the energy of a teenager way past 11:00. My Frankie and I got home and couldn't even make it through one Law and Order. And it was an Criminal Intent even! Thank God for Tivo, otherwise (and I'll be honest with you because you know how tough this little bit of service work is) I might never make it to the boys basketball games! I have to have at least an hour of something I want to see on television, otherwise I can't relax. As we sit here, Oprah's Big Give is recording right now. I tell ya! If it weren't for that little box...shhh(!): I might have quit selling raffle tickets the second my Donny got through freshman year. That's when all the other moms gave up. But if I had done that, you and I would never have met! How tragic would that have been?