What? Huh? Oh......um.....no, Cheryl, everything's....you know....it's all---oh you got me, Cheryl, yes, I am crying. I'm sorry, I didn't want tonight to be like this, and it's such a good game.

It's just....haaaaaaaaa....I don't know. I feel like we should be doing more? Listening to you talk to Father Phillip, he's so great, and he's helped so many, and you're great too, Cher, but look at this! The butterfingers are all gone, but no one's touched the Mars Bars! And the Sierra Mist, sure it tastes a little like Sprite, but people have different tastes, right? I just wish I knew what people wanted....and we can't afford Baby Ruth's. What do people think the Booster's table is? The Hilton? I'm sorry that we don't have beer, EXCUSE ME, aren't sports for the entire family? Not one drunkard who's just killing time before Seventh Heaven (or something).

I guess that's not fair. Seventh Heaven is a great show. Cher, you're right, Father Phillip did used to look like Gregory Peck, but now he's old, and Kenneth Branagh is definitely a hunk. I'm just sorry I had to go and ruin it.

Plus I got a book recommendation from Horatio: Lolita? Have you heard of that. It's by some Spanish author, and I don't understand it one bit. It's disgusting? Why would I want to read that when there's so much else to worry about! I'm thinking about making some serious changes to this booster's table...and to the raffles. I'm thinking bigger, better, more PIZZAZ.

A revolution.

I've seen that look before, Cheryl.

Haha! Father Phillip, you make my day! At last year’s MOM PROM, Cor (where I just passed out name tags…Can’t wait until little Donny’s a Senior so he can take his mother out on real a date!) I couldn’t tell if Father Phillip here was just in a dance-y mood or flirting with me! The way you moved! 75 and you can still cut a rug! I tell you Father, you can cut this rug any day of the week.

What? You like my hair…oh! And my skirt? Yes, it is new! Thank you! No one’s noticed. Ha! Well, maybe I can wear it to one of your van parties you always take the other moms on. What? You know! The van parties! Don’t play dumb with good ol’ Cheryl, Father. I live behind the school, and I see EVERYTHING! Every Tuesday, you get all dressed up and take the bookstore moms out for dinner or something. They’re all dressed up too. And then you come home alone in a different van- yeah, and- What? How many people saw what? Oh… Oh! I see, now that I’ve busted those lovely chops of yours you want me to tag along now. Hah! Well, you’ll have to do a better than that to win me over! I’ve seen you with hundreds of moms over the years and- OH!
– Well, bye, Father!

That was weird. Well, he certainly looks HEALTHY! I wonder if he still works out at the Y. When he married Frankie and I, Father Phillip was the spitting image of Gregory Peck. At the reception he gave me a couple congratulatory smooches on the neck, and I said, “Peck away, Father!” Haha! Now he looks so old, the boys call Phillip “Father Free Day,” because they think he’ll drop dead at any moment, and the boys will get the day off from school. Isn’t that terrible? It’s a nice way to be remembered though.

Wow, I just can’t put Madame Bovary down! I was reading for the last few minutes before Father Phil walked up so I didn’t hear most of what you just said. “Sorry, my B!” as Donny would say. But you have i-Everything? I might have to borrow one of your iPods so I can get Bovary on tape and listen to it in the bathtub. Some of it is getting AWFULLY STEAMY! I mean, the narrator doesn’t say it explicitly, but the husband and wife, Mrs. Bovary, first touch at her home while she’s bending down to get something…and their sex-life must be JUST wild after that! I think she’ll be a pretty content woman with an “experienced” doctor (he was married once before, you know. And that must have taught him a few things. Not like some people who take their first swing on the wedding night. UUUGgghhhhhhh…Ffff…). I wonder if Kenneth Branagh reads it. He always revs up my engine.

Corinne, are you crying?

Oh, Cheryl, will you STOP already? It’s just my Maybelline™ set, nothing new. And why are we talking about me when you look gorgeous! Where did you get that cute little brown dress? You look like the most beautiful burrito of ALL TIME! Have you been shopping at Bebe again? Always young at heart, you are.

Although I don’t know WHAT Georgie’s thinking right now, and it’s not two peas in a pod, it’s two peas in an iPod! George has gone Mac wild! He’s bought three or four iPods, five G5s, six iMacs, and a whole barrel of iPod shuffles—in all the colors of the rainbow? I, for one, can’t believe we can even afford it, but ever since my dear Old Aunt Emma went on Deal or No Deal and died immediately after the taping, our house has turned into a regular Graceland! Honestly, though, I wish George would cut it out with the Macs, I’m going iCRAZY!

Hahahahaa! Oh that is hilarious, Cheryl! “Dirty Donny, filthy Sanchez,” oh my! Although Horatio was talking to me about this, apparently that wouldn’t be a rhyme, but, oh what’s the word he used? Oh right, smiley. Whatever. Anyway, that Sanchez boy IS beautiful, and so polite too. Do you know his mother? What a sweet heart. Did you know that she used to be a City planner in Mexico? Such a shame, that’s why I like to give her an extra 20 bucks at Christmas. Ah, boys. The friendships they form seem to last a lifetime, I mean, George is still friends with his childhood Argentinean friend, Carlos.

Speaking of dirty! I took little Jordan to his Uncle Mike’s farm in Michigan, you know? Well, he just loved it. We were feeding the chickens, and Jordan kept trying to feed this one red hen, but this rooster kept getting in the way! Pecking up all of the feed that Jordy meant for the hen. I said to Jordan, “Look honey, that rooster is blocking our food! Rooster block, Jordy! Get him out of the way! Feed that hen, baby!” Yeah, Mike was in hysterics. I guess he knows a good smiley when he hears one. Well, Jordan just had a blast. I wonder if Donny and Sanchez would like to go up? I’m sure Mike would love to have them…

Madam Bovary? I’ve never heard of it. Is it French? It sounds romantic! Oooh, Cheryl, you and Frank should read it together with a little bit of bubbly! Hmmmn?

Oh look! Here comes Pastor Phillip! Hi, Pastor! Let’s hope our Wildcat’s beat those Spartans, huh?

Corr! I love that new make-up! Did you go to FACE in that new shopping mall? OOoooo, MWAHH! How is my little rodeo clown? Looking like the Bucking-est Bronco I ever saw! You must be giving Georgie the time of his life with that gorgeous body! He must feel like the luckiest diamond to ever be caught in a clam like you! I mean it, when I think of you two, I just think, God, like two peas in a pod (if the pod is a Tempurpedic, and the peas are gay with young love!) How have you been? I’ve missed you!

Well, now that it’s warmer, Donny finally goes outside to play basketball. He’s been hanging out in the backyard a lot with that beautiful Sanchez boy from down the street. He’s so shy, with that little voice and skinny body. If it weren’t for that mustache, I’d say he was about thirteen years old! But Donny just can’t stop hanging around him: going to movies, disappearing for a few hours “looking for bugs behind the garage.” It’s like Donny’s imagination has sprung back from all that Nintendo now that little Sanchez is around. I ask them every half hour or so: “Can I make you a sandwich? How bout a nice glass of orange juice?” And when they ignore me I just walk back in, take out my afternoon chardonnay and make them some sandwiches anyway, then ask: “Would you like some apple boats with that?” (I cut them up into little triangles with peanut butter sails). I’ve been trying to get them to go on an ice-cream run, but they never want to go with me. I know I’m an OLD HAG, but I still know how to turn a good party around with a Dairy Queen ice-cream cake. But Donny just takes a 20 from my wallet and sneaks off with his buddy. Haha!

Sometimes they come home covered in ice-cream, and I keep saying, “Now I have to deal with dirty Donny!” They laugh and laugh. By the time I get to wiping up that filthy Sanchez, they are on the floor giggling, hardly able to open their eyes! I tell you, I should have been a comedian or a poet, the way I can make those funny rhymes or whatever.

In fact, Horatio this month told me I was ready to start a “real reading career.” He said enough of this phony-boloney Nicholas Sparks stuff (beneath me, really). He said that since I had read the Da Vinci Code a few years back my mind was totally free, and I needed to start reading the Classics, so he gave me Flaubert’s Madame Bovary, which I had already heard of, but didn’t know if it was any good. I’m only a few pages in, but I can tell that Charles is just going to make it big like my Frankie (and someday my Donny!). Charles just seems like a nose-to-the-grindstone type of guy, so I know this book is going to be about him finding that good wife he deserves. It’s not easy! I know! But that’s what books should be about, Corr. The struggle to find that hard-to-get love. Frankie and I had a rough patch Junior Year of high school, but we stuck it out. If anything, this book seems to be telling me “keep on truckin’ Cheryl!” And I am.

What have you been up to?

VICTORY!

98-70 Tigers

Hilltopers lose.

Oh STOP IT, Cheryl! You're right, though, I'm so lucky to have George. He's so handsome and charming and dashing and ugh, I don't know where to stop! I remember when we met at TT College in Cleveland. I was just a lowly Ceramics major (who knew how to party!), and George was practically king of the campus with his major in Acting and Minor in Musical Theater (he wrote his TT Thesis on Andrew Lloyd Webber--a genius). We met at a party and I was so intimidated to talk to him. He was wearing a denim jacket and a Heart t-shirt--he was so cool. But boy did we ever hit it off. When we started dating, I knew that he was the man I would marry...despite his bedroom "issues" (George had a very difficult child-hood.).

Our marriage was like a whirlwind adventure--before I knew it we had had Joe, Michael, Jordan, and Kevy. Don't you talk to ME about barren ladyparts, missy, until you've squeezed for of them out. Anyway, George is a wonderful father, and so creative! Once a year we have Imagination Christmas because, as George puts it, "Who can wait for Santa when he only comes once a year?!" And every other week we all play family dress-up (Georgie's idea, of course). Last week, we all dressed up like movie stars from the forties. Oh you should've seen, Kevy, Cheryl, he was so cute as a tiny Vivian Leigh. Now I was a bit cautious about dressing him up like a woman, but George said it was fine, and you know George when he puts his foot down...Oh my. It's scary.

Yeah, George is great. What? Jimmy's parents are separating? That's horrible. I wonder if Mr. Matthews has any secret babies. They're so common these days. What's happening to marriage in this country? Speaking of this country....you support Hillary? Oh Cheryl, what are you doing? She's such a goblin. Have you given up on hope? And change? What about change, Cheryl? You're better than that, baby.

You're right, by the way. This society has such a way of making people feel OLD. My Joey came home (I think it was from your house, actually), and he looked tired--his eyes were very red, and he called me a "trick." What does that mean? Whatever it means, it sure is playful.

Huh? OH MY GOD! WILDCATS WIN! WILDCATS WIN! That is so wonderful. And we've sold 20 raffle tickets! I think we can call this night a success, Cher. What? Oh hahaha. A nightclub, that's rich! Very funny, silly girl. No, I think George and I are going to put the kids to bed and cuddle up with some Sondheim. I'll see you next week, k?

You stop that silly talk, Corinne!

You are beautiful just the way God made you: a gorgeous, fertile, mass of womanhood. You're probably the feistiest woman George ever set his eyes on. I've never seen him even look at a woman with lust. The other night, when he had that slim apron on, slurping down those noodles to see if they were cooked, and he grabbed you with those matching cartoon crab oven mitts (I love those by the way), and he gave you that huge smack on the lips. Wowzza! I know what I saw, YOUNG LADY! A whole lot of tonguing-!

Oh, hello again, Jimmy! You need another soda already? Cor was just making a big Hoonany about her privates in life, errr...yeah, WHATEVER! Our crazy lives! Enjoy the game. See you soon!

Cor, Jimmy's Dad is getting a divorce. They're already separated, even. Now there's a whole lot of man to shove between your love cushions. The second he said it I felt terrible, but
I jumped to the thought that my little change of life has some benefits! I mean, I wouldn't have to worry about hiding any (what do you call them?) love children or "secret babies" or anything. This box of mine is as barren as the Arctic Tundra! This must be what Horatio feels like when he's a "bottom." No worries! Ugghh! What I wouldn't do for a delicious man like Mr. Matthews for a night. I know, I know. I feel as guilty as the time I gave Black/Latino Comedies a one-star rating on my Netflix account. Thank God Hilary is running for President and not me. On paper, I probably sound like a middle-aged twit who hates the Afro-American community and loves the Gays. Don't get me wrong, I'd vote for Barack in a heartbeat, but I think he's too inexperienced, and Hilary has done so much to break down those glass walls for women so we could get more different jobs...

Anyway, everyone probably knows I'm a little on the dry side when it comes to baby-making at this stage in life. I'm not ashamed. Frankie is being very supportive. And he'd better be. I'd rip his annoying little nose off and feed it to the CAT! Haha! Oh, justing JK-ing.

So, don't talk to me about OLD, missy! You don't know the half of it yet! Wait until your hen house runs out of eggs and then tell me about body issues! It's not just my body though. I feel, um, intellectually that I'm sliding. My Donny comes home everyday One Book Better than his mother. He can hardly even listen to one show I watch without scoffing! That's the mark of a true genius, I think: being so smart that you can't be happy watching TV, you know? Their brains are already churning so fast. I wish I knew how he can study so hard and still manage to be out of the house for hours every night. I tell you! The way my Donny teaches me. For instance: Did you know "disapparate" is not a real word? JK Rowling just MADE IT UP! I'm not sure if I'm OK with someone just making up words. It's seems a little silly. But how did my Donny know? Brilliant.

The game looks like it's wrapping up. Where are you off to after this? A nightclub, you sassy fox?

Oh thanks, Cheryl, you're very sweet. I'm fine, but I gotta say that my fajita came with extra cheese tonight. WOOOwee!

What's this I see? Were we just having a conversation with Jimmy just now? How'd it go? Tell me everything, you cougar, you, and I promise I won't tell Frankie. Details, hon!

Anyway, can I ask you a question, Cheryl, dear? I'm feeling pretty tight around the seat recently, and I just want to know? Am I getting fat? It's that I feel like a walking cow. I know it's silly, but sometimes I don't think George wants to...you know...my vagina. I don't want to become one of those fat housewives who only goes out to feed her stupid, fat face. You know? I mean if you had told me when I was in college that I would be like this, I would've told you that you're CRAZY! Then I would ask if you wanted to go streaking on the quad (not that we had a quad, but you know, it was the 70s!). I just feel old. Old, old, OLD!

Wait, you're having hot flashes? Little early, isn't Cheryl. I mean, does Frank know?

Cor, you go! Oooowee! It burns just to think-

Oh hi there, Jimmy!

Are you going to buy some raffle tickets or just a little snacky-snack? Oh, a Snickers? Mmmm, I wish there were more nuts in these. I'm partial to Playdates, err, PAYDAYS! Hahah! You want something to wash that down. A soda pop? Oh, A Dr. Pepper? Wow, it's been at yeast a year since I had one of these. There you go Jimmy.

We were talking about our garages, Cor and I! Do you guys have one? Of course you do, you're Dad's a doctor (I just don't want to assume too much because a lot of kids here have the Financial Aids). Anyway, my garage seems to get wider every year! I swear, I can’t even tell you how many cars have squeezed into that dirty little spot of mine! I feel like I'm the only one paying attention to it! I've never seen Mr. Beatty (my husband) help clean it! He hardly goes in it, period! We moved so we could get rid of all that baggage, but instead I just keep feeling like I have to stretch that little backyard addition everyday! And when Donny was born (naturally, god bless my midwife), the garage had to be altered so much it was like they replaced it with one three times as wide! Uggh! The things we do to fit everybody in!

Well, listen to me babble! Here's your change- What? Your Mom and Dad are getting a divorce? Oh. He lives in an apartment now. Hardly a garage at all...I'm sure someone will- I see. Well, I'm so sorry. Enjoy the rest of the game...Bye, bye now.

Corinne, you OK sweetie? I was getting a hot flash just now as you walked up here. How was the bathroom? Do you need anything? I think I might have some Monistat in my bag...

Cher,

Men. Do I need to say anything else? The writers of the bible got everything wrong: WOMAN will inherit the earth. Men are silly, sly, grumbly, hairy gorillas (except for African-Americans, of course, that's hurtful)! But by gum, I love 'em! They're always goofing around. It's SOOO funny that you'd talk about little Donny and his friends. That happens with my eldest Joe (Wildcats #14!), and also I see him shivering and shaking and scratching all the time! I tell him, "You can spend all day in the garage, if you want, but at LEAST put on a sweater if you're cold, and if you've got a little itch, get the calamine lotion, doofus!" He likes playing video games too. I swear, it sounds like the garage is exploding!

Anyway, you're right, I do need to talk to Horatio about books. But, I don't want to read that "Five People You Meet in Heaven," sounds scary. Also, forget "The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Nightime"--it sounds a little "silly." Has Jane Smiley written anything new? She is delicious.

OH! Here comes that Jimmy Matthews! He is the forward the Ignie Tigers have been waiting for. I hear his dad is a DOCTOR in Columbus...a handsome doctor. (You can see where he gets it, SHH). OH my, excuse me Cheryl, I have to use the little girls room. I have a yeast infection.

Thank you for noticing my hair! That's why you're the best. Horatio's the only man who knows how to trim this bush on top of my head. I swear, I went in so frazzled it was like I'd been sleeping inside a Dutch Oven!

When I came home after an hour of Horatio's finger magic, I didn't think anyone had noticed the work he did. I think it looks wonderful, but Frankie just kissed me hello and didn't say a word. I almost slapped him upside the noggin! My little Donny boy though, he noticed. But I could tell he was too embarrassed to say anything because his little friends were over. They always look so red in the face when I come in the room, it's like they can hardly move their eyes, they're so focused on that TV! I don't know what to say, so I just make cookies and leave them to their Nintendo.

Anyway, Horatio is a riot! He is always giving me books so we have something to talk about the next time I come in (because once it got really awkward when he brought up his boyfriend and I couldn't just let it slide. I'm so curious about that lifestyle, not that I condone it necessarily. Anywhoo, you know). Last time he gave me The Notebook (what a sweetie-pie. And he understands so many of those intricate details of the relationships! I mean, the stuff he came up with! It's a shame he'll have to become a priest someday), but this week he gave me Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, and let me tell you it is dark. I mean DARK. I'm not finished with it yet, but everyone in the book is dead already or talking about these tragedies, like this blue guy at a carnival. I'll give it to you when I'm done. Horatio promised a satisfying ending.

It's better than what they have Donny reading: that Catcher in the Rye business! Why are they always depressing kids with these books. I got to page 50 and was so offended I put it down! And you know how good I am about finishing novels. Really, I just can't see why anyone would be interested in silly sad people. If the kids need to read something sad in class, they should read Man's Search for Meaning. You know, the one about the Holocaust. Now that's a subject that our kids don't know enough about, and I think it's about time we assigned them more books about a tragedy like that: one that actually affects them.

By the way! Getting your carpet steamed is one of the worst days of the year! I feel for you. I'm always going around the house, picking up clothes and telling my husband and Donny to please help me sweep, but Donny's so snippy: "Why? It's the carpet cleaner's job." Sometimes, it's like they can't even hear me. It's like when the maids come to the house, and I have a very strict policy on cleaning up before they come, and both men of the house are like " why clean before the cleaners?" And I have to explain every time: "it's what I do!" You just can't get it through to them. You know?

You should see Horatio sometime! It would wonders!

Sitting begins? I haven't got up!

Cheryl,

George and I are so glad that you and Frankie came by last night. It was a gas! When Frankie did that impression of that Keenan Williams from Saturday Night, I swear I almost peed all over the carpet (and we just got it steamed!)!! I'm glad the spaghetti turned out the way it did, by the way, I spent over an hour making it, and the whole time, my youngest, Kevy, wouldn't stop badgering me ("Mommy, why can't I kiss you on the lips?" What an angel). Speaking of pumping you for information, I wish I could find out how Horatio made your hair look so good! Did he use that blow-dry thingamajig? I tell you, he could blow me any day of the week and I'd pay him anything! :)

Good news!

I got the new tickets in! The order came in from eBay and the tickets are FABULOUS. They're blue and I got the Ignie tiger printed on them. I can't wait for the kids to see them at the game this Saturday. When are we going to meet up and DISH already?

The Sitting Begins...

Corinne! I had a lovely time with you and George last night at dinner! Nothing like some spaghetti marinara to get my mouth just jabberin' away! I mean, a bowl full of soft and warm noodles and a half glass of that dry chardonnay from Oregon! Ooooweee! That's the little known secret for how to pump me for information, Mr. Bond! And spicy too! Your George sure knows how to get a party started. I had the energy of a teenager way past 11:00. My Frankie and I got home and couldn't even make it through one Law and Order. And it was an Criminal Intent even! Thank God for Tivo, otherwise (and I'll be honest with you because you know how tough this little bit of service work is) I might never make it to the boys basketball games! I have to have at least an hour of something I want to see on television, otherwise I can't relax. As we sit here, Oprah's Big Give is recording right now. I tell ya! If it weren't for that little box...shhh(!): I might have quit selling raffle tickets the second my Donny got through freshman year. That's when all the other moms gave up. But if I had done that, you and I would never have met! How tragic would that have been?